Abusive husband, what to do?
When we are getting married, each of us thinks that her choice will be the most reliable defender and supplier for the family, as well as a great father for children, and loving partner with whom we will live a happy and long life. However, family relationships often develop not so well as we wanted or dreamed… Men’s tyranny and emotional abuse is quite frequent in today’s family life.
Abusive husband, what to do?
To begin, let’s describe the portrait of the typical abusive husband. This is a man with a high opinion of himself, and it is firmly seated in belief of his own infallibility and authority of the family. For an abusive husband, his wife is nothing but a blank space, a weak, quiet creature that is entirely in his possession. He is accustomed to impose his opinion and will to people around him, so he will absolutely not tolerate objections and oppositions. This man – the master, he lowers self-esteem of all members of the family, he is constantly dissatisfied with all family members, and the most common of his usual expressions is “What would you do without me?”. However, each of the family members knows the exact answer to this question, that without him they would have lived much quieter and easier.
As a rule, all decisions for loved ones abusive husband takes himself, depriving them of their own opinions and personal space. He alone decides which school or university his children should go to, and where to go on vacation. His wife and children are in the absolute power of the tyrant. Family in front of him must necessarily account for time spent away from home, and all their current actions. He controls not only the money spent by his wife, but dictates what clothes to wear, whom to communicate with, including friends and even parents, and sets the time for such communication. In this case, abusive husband thinks that by doing so, he takes care of his family. But in reality, he just needs to have someone to expose his power over. Abusive husband keeps his family in constant fear and tension, that’s why his wife and children often suffer from various psychological problems. Not every family is able to withstand this without damage to their health.
It is not even worth trying to convince such man of anything, because he is no longer possible to change. Women that encounter such men, promptly leave in horror. But what can his wife do, who got into the net of the tyrant? Of course, she can just shut up and keep quiet, but is it a normal life? As a rule, if these families have children, they grow up as clogged, weak-willed and infantile or rebels, early enough to leave home.
Sometimes you can find such abusive husband in a totally happy, at first glance, family. Head of the family does not smoke, does not drink, and even earn decently, but to live with such a man is often unbearable. For many women, the life with such a man becomes a constant horror. Some even eventually reconcile to his position, learn to turn a deaf ear to eternal discontent of tedious tyrant and not to pay attention to his arraignments and “pricks”.
But it also happens that in addition to the moral and mental torture of his wife and children, a man transfers all his displeasure in a rough form – physical violence. Sometimes this type of men like to drink. His wife and children suffer from persistent bullying. This most often occurs in troubled or distressed, and poorer families. However, not always high quality of life is an indicator of prosperity and a happy family climate.
Of course, there are those husbands who show their tyrannical nature only partially. For example, only in control over the expenditure of funds or in limiting communication with the opposite sex. For example, if you want to go with a friend to a restaurant, or even for a walk, a tyrant simply forbid you to, he does not waste time listening to your objections. And it happens that a husband is a tyrant only within the walls of his home, while with colleagues and friends he behaves nicely and politely.
Psychology of relations in a family where the husband is a tyrant and abuser, and his wife is a victim, is rather complicated. After all, violence and oppression in itself is disgusting and inhuman. But it definitely does not say that the abusive husband does not love his wife. Maybe he’s just such a character.
You can find multiple reasons why people become abusers.
Very often the reason for this behavior lies in his early childhood. Often one the abusive husband’s parents was an abuser himself, and he grew up thinking that abuse is a norm. As a child, his will and desires are often suppressed by parent-tyrant, so over the years, his only desire was to take it out on someone for his joyless and painful childhood.
Sometimes a boy tyrant is growing in a family of absolutely calm, balanced and good parents. The ability to manipulate his own parents had been formed in childhood, and parents, because of their kindness and gentleness, could not resist his whims.
Quite common is when a man, who lacks self-confidence, but is still young and attractive, use his tyrannical qualities on his woman or girlfriend in order to exclude rivals.
And sometimes sweet and calm man at work, coming home after a hard day, begins to vent his anger and resentment on his loved ones. Unfortunately with time such behavior becomes his habit.
Abusive husbands can be divided into three groups.
Abusive husband of the first group is characterized by the desire to achieve a complete and total control over family members. A favorite question of such people is, “Where have you been?”, which is a clear indication of self-doubt. Such man is jealous of his wife to everything that moves. This type of people just need to be aware of where is his wife and children, with whom they spend their time, what they were doing, why does his wife come home from work later than usual, where did she “wander”, etc. Under the control of such person gets everything from phone calls to clothes and hairstyle. Only complete and close control allows him to feel confident. Any disobedience gets him into a rage. Such people will always find a reason to nit-picking.
The second group includes abusive husbands who enjoy to humiliate and torture their wives. Very often you can hear from them phrases like, “You broody, uneducated, without me you just can not do anything” or ” Without me, who are you?” “Look at yourself in the mirror, you are ugly!”, etc. Using this type of behavior he increases his self-esteem, and a woman starts feeling that in general without him she can not do anything, she is an empty space, a complete jerk who does not have own will.
Abusive husband from a third group allows himself to use physical violence against fife and even children. Assault is the highest degree of manifestation of tyranny in the family, where women and children are victims of aggressive husband and father. Alcohol or drug use aggravates the situation, because they are known to disable the control of man over his own actions.
Usually abusive husband vents his aggression only within the family. Faced with a bully on the street, a man unlikely to be able to resist, because in reality he is just an ordinary coward.
Why do many women marry and live with abusive husbands? It sometimes happens that a woman falls in love with a nice, kind and charming man, unaware of his inner essence. When all this is manifested in family life, a woman can not decide to part with such a man. Reasons there may be: the justification of his actions by his heavy workload, fatigue, difficult character; if there are children, it is the desire to raise a child in an intact family, and some women just like to belong to someone, they are dependent on it, like a drug they like the process of reconciliation after violent clashes, etc. By allowing a tyranny over themselves insecure women who can not make their own decisions, sometimes are even glad that someone does it for them. Many tolerate abusive husbands hoping to fix them, even though it is unrealistic. Many women live all their lives with such partners, because they believe that such a model of relationship is the only true one, because their families were just in such type of relationship – father-tyrant, mother – the victim. Such women are subconsciously looking for a man who is able to humiliate her, to make her obedient.
So, what if you have an abusive husband – what to do?
In general, women are never forced into a marriage with a tyrant. It is a question of personal choice. One girl, if a young man starts asking her questions like: “Where have you been?” or “Why are you late for fifteen minutes” immediately breaks all ties and leaves, not wanting to be accountable to someone about her every step. And the other, on the contrary, will be submissive and patient, and would marry, just to tolerate his bullying for the rest of her life. Each of us is free to pick and choose what to do: to continue to live with such a person, making attempts to change it, or break off all relations and look for a normal, sane, and loving man.
Of course, the most effective way to deal with a abusive husband is a divorce and a complete rupture of relations. But often women do not do this, because they have nowhere to go, and if there is also a small children, the situation becomes quite insoluble. A woman can not earn money, can not support herself and her children. As a result, she has to put up with the current state of affairs and to tolerate her husband’s tyranny, mutilating her own life and psyche of their children who eventually become an exact replica of the father.
On the other hand, it also happens that constant suffering and swallowing humiliation and insults, beatings becomes unbearable, and sometimes life-threatening. In recent years, we see an increasing number of murders committed by women who are driven to extremes by their abusive husbands.
Of course, it is easier said than done. Very often, even after divorce such woman can not get rid of the tyrant, and will need to change not only her place of residence, but also work, school, in order to get rid of his annoying bullying.
So, if you decide to leave your abusive husband, first of all, do not be afraid to leave with nothing and start everything from scratch. At least you will get peace, freedom and independence. Be sure to tell your family and friends about your intention, they will support you in every way. By the way, if your husband is torturing you, do not be silent, tell relatives, ask for help to law enforcement agencies, because there are articles in the Criminal Code for assault and torture of moral and physical plan. Of course, he will do everything he can to threaten you with violence if you tell. But this should not stop you. If you really have nowhere to go, no relatives, no friends, do not be afraid to contact the crisis center, you will have a psychological and legal assistance, and they may even provide temporary housing.
If you are sitting home and not working (sitting with a child, or husband does not allow you to work, etc.), try to find a job, you will have your own money, which will increase your self-confidence, and your financial independence. There will be one less way your abusive husbands may humiliate you with.
Remember, life is given to us only once, and we should not live in fear and constant insults, but in love, and understanding. So instead of staying with an abusive husband and continue to suffer, think if it is worth it for what it all? Certainly not for the sake of the children. It is rare that abusers ever change their actions. Of course, you can try to adapt to his moods, but then your best years will be spent on such a jerk living in hell. Is it really worth it to waste your life on this?
Of course, you can try to change such a man. However, this option in most cases does not bring positive results. If you recognize signs of abusive husband early enough, you can try. It is important to fight back in time at the first sign of tyranny, to show your character and show that abuse will not be tolerated. In some cases, men, realizing that she is not going to put up with his tyrannical manners, do back down. Well in this case he can start visiting a psychologist or using proper self-help techniques. It is very important in the future to learn how to compromise and give space to each other.
Men’s tyranny is not usually immediately obvious, and certainly it is not visible on the early stages of dating. Therefore, before you marry, carefully observe the order established by the family of your future husband. You can see warning signs that would tell you that he can become abuser, although it is not always visible at this stage. In any case, this kind of behavior of a man should never be tolerated. According to a popular saying, unlike wine, men do not become better with years. Therefore, the tyrant is better to leave as soon as possible, and leave for good. After all, life is so beautiful, and so short, it you don’t need to waste it listening to insults and accusations from an abusive husband.