Abusive marriage – stay or get out?

Regardless of the fact that abusive marriage is traditionally considered to be a fate of lower-class poor people, the media keeps telling about the scandals in the families of pop-stars, and wealthy wives  keep complaining of the despotism of their rich (and often well-educated!) husbands. It turned out, that this problem does not depend on social status, income level or educational background of the family members, so even the successful and financially independent woman can get in a trap of the abusive marriage.

Abusive marriage does not necessarily manifest in the form of open aggression with assault and battery. Indirect aggression, which manifests itself in severe restrictions and control, becomes more frequent nowadays. All abusers share one opinion about the violence, as the only way to retain the power. In fact, their self-esteem is so low, that they do not see other ways to get what they want.

What are the causes of common abusive marriage?

People, who play the role of an abuser, were most likely abused in childhood. As an adult, such person will subconsciously revenge on his offenders by establishing similar rules in his own family. The lack of love in childhood can also cause the aggression. Then the person can take it out on his partner for the love he did not get being a child. Such people are very jealous. To avoid imaginary betrayal and even the slightest chance of leaving of a partner, they prefer an aggressive response to any potentially threatening events and build the relationships on the basis of intimidation and force.

How to break the vicious circle and get out of abusive marriage?

Unfortunately, aggressive behavior can not be adjusted (that is, without serious work on abusers side). Since it is based on the severe mental trauma, it requires the huge amount of work with a psychologist (or serious self-help) to identify and treat the underlying causes of aggression. So do not try to justify or tolerate aggression, hoping that your love will change everything. If your partner is aggressive, you need to leave him. You can resume your relationships only if he completely gets rid of his fails.

It is obvious that in any case it’s better to leave the abuser, but it’s not always easy to do. Here are some tips that will help to get out of an abusive marriage:

  • Please realize that your abuser is actually weak. Everything he does is only because of the fear of losing you and losing control of the situation. He is also scared.
  • If you endure the humiliation in silence, it will only provoke the abuser and reinforce his permissive feeling. On the other hand, – tears, screams and other demonstration of your suffering won’t make any good, but only burn up the aggressor and lead to even more blinding flashes of violence.
  • Think of what makes you live with such person for a long time. What will you lose and gain by leaving him? You will need to decide, whether to sacrifice the abusive marriage for the sake of the happiness and freedom, or continue to live in humiliation and danger. Think of where to go, so that you couldn’t meet the aggressor. If the situation has gone too far, do it secretly and feel free to ask for a help.
  • Be decisive and do not change your opinion. There are cases when a woman on the edge of leaving, suddenly changes her opinion: she withdraws the police statements, comes back to her husband-abuser with the children. In this case, you’ll make it worse only because the aggressor feels his impunity and pushes the boundaries.
  • If you can not leave the aggressor despite your decision, see a psychologist or visit a crisis center, which deals with the problems of domestic violence. In these centers you can get the professional psychological help and also the temporary shelter and secure.