Emotionally abusive marriage. How to break free?

Everybody wants to be loved, feeling oneself important, valuable and wanted for one’s partner to win his support, especially when it is needed. Unfortunately, in the “dark background” of a huge number of families lies the emotional violence and pathological relationship devastation.

Emotionally abusive marriage is a relationship, in which you feel uneasy, uncomfortable, anxious or scared, you don’t feel that your partner rates you enough, often feel the suppressed anger or rage, and for some reason, these feelings remain unspoken. Maybe you are afraid that your partner may leave you, which means that you will have to face his anger and you expect that you won’t stand it; maybe you have lost your self-confidence and a hope for change. Your needs for love, trust and safety are rarely satisfied or not satisfied at all. Differences of your opinions, views, positions are not accepted and often are condemned or rejected by your partner. You’re not sure of your partner and perhaps you are afraid to admit it even to yourself.

However, for some reason, you stay in emotionally abusive marriage, since you depend on your partner – financially, emotionally, you have your kids, live in one flat, share your business, and so on. There are plenty of options.

And then all that’s left is to accept and share his opinion, don’t argue or show your feelings and don’t claim anything. This means to give up some very important part of your personality – your strength, courage, power, honesty, healthy aggression and energy.

As a result, each partner represents only one pole of the relationship, – a victim or an abuser. Abuser is capable of the expression of discontent, anger, rejection, outrage, oppression, violence and so on. In this case other emotions get blocked – sympathy, support, compassion. This is a task of the victim – to understand, accept, suffer and feel a sense of guilt and shame. The display of anger and disgust then gets blocked for the victim. Sometimes the roles of the victim and abuser may shuffle. If the victim suffers for a long time, sooner or later she can’t take the stress and express her dissatisfaction in the form of offence or anger. At this point, she provokes the abuser to cut her down. If he succeeds – the situation remains the same, if an attempt of the victim’s rebellion was successful – the victim becomes a tyrant and begins her revenge.

Very rarely the spouses themselves can understand that they live in emotionally abusive marriage. After all, one has to be even-tempered and self-confident to look at the situation and one’s role in it from the outside. And it is not always possible, as sooner or later the partners prostrate and devastate each other till the fatigue, helplessness and alienation appear. As a result these relationships are replaced with new love affairs or divorce.

In the background of emotional dependence lies the incomplete parent-child relationship. Each of the partners recreates in their marriage the specific relationship scenario, which was formed during childhood with one’s significant parent.

Emotionally dependent relationships are curable if both spouses are working on them and want to save their marriage. But even if one partner decides to leave the complicated and destructive relationships, it can be done much easier at the therapist.