Leaving an abusive relationship – it can be done!

When leaving an abusive relationship is very easy to fall into hands of even more ferocious monsters. For clarity, we consider only those “abusive relationship” in which the victim remains relatively free to leave. There are more complex situations where the victim willingly decides to stay and be exposed to emotional violence. In this case, you can say that the abuser holds the victim not with the force, but by suppressing her will.

It is very important to pay attention to one thing. What is considered to be a suppressed will, as a rule, is not a consequence of any special influence of the abuser, but is a result of the whole lot of various factors and previous life experience and conditioning of a victim. After leaving an abusive relationship, the victim does not get rid of these factors, and her will remains as weak as it was (or even disappears completely). This will make her an easy prey for other abusers lurking out there looking for victims.

Reading scary stories of women who stay in an abusive relationship, it is easy to note that most of these women do not work, do not have a house, do not have any respect for themselves, do not have friends, do not have reason for living, that is, there is nothing that would serve as an internal support for such person. In some way, engaging in destructive relationship, women are hoping to gain support in a man since they do not feel their own strength. But decent people never look for a submission in relationships; they are looking for respectful and equal relations. The relations of power could only be to the liking for people who stuck in an adolescence infantilism.

There are three types of monsters that are waiting for the victims after leaving an abusive relationship:

  1. A new lover. A new lover quickly disappears or is the same power-hungry asshole, as her ex was.
  2. A friend (usually a man-hater). Such friend willingly lends a helping hand so that you can hate men together. However, it often turns out that her boyfriend who is “ungrateful, selfish, lazy and hysterical” also can be considered a terrible monster and she is a victim too.
  3. The sect. We can assume that our runaway will search for help of some valid, normal organization, however, a person without internal strength needs twenty-four-hour emotional support. Therefore, it is likely that a helping hand will be provided to her by some group or a sect, that looks for a new blood in order to expand.

What is the solution for leaving an abusive relationship?

  1. Stop blaming the abuser. Yes, he is infantile, and a scoundrel after all. But he would not have done anything wrong, if his victim has not been even more infantile and helpless than he is. Therefore, you need to blame your own helplessness and victim mentality (not yourself, but your helplessness, these are two different things, you have to love yourself and get rid of the second), and the abuser for using this helplessness.
  2. To stay or leave immediately, it depends only on one thing. You need to understand whether this man prevents you from looking for your inner strength or not. If yes, – you must leave, without thinking about any possible improvement in relations. Otherwise, you can and stay, but do not wait passively for improvements, instead work on yourself.
  3. It is necessary to look for a job. Without work in this world there can be no independence, only an illusion of such. As a last resort you should look for something that will provide you with work in the future (education or training).
  4. It should be fully realized that your mood and self-esteem will change as soon as some inner strength appear. Relationships with people can also help you to build your inner support and strength, but only those relationships that contribute to social activities, rather than take it away.